Living The Dream - The Trap of Comfortable Misery

Part One of the Kicking the Conformity Can series

Photo by Fredrik Öhlander on Unsplash

“Living the dream . . .”

We’ve all heard that before. Usually in response to asking how someone is doing.

And, many times, it’s a facade. A lie.

I’ve said it many times. My guess is, so have you. We all know it’s a lie, but it’s one that we subconsciously talk ourselves into believing.

We have no choice.

Otherwise, life would be more than miserable.

Flashback

A number of years ago, my contract job with the USAF ended. Here I was, 60 years old and out of work.

But something was different this time. I wasn’t afraid. It didn’t feel like the world was going to end.

It had happened once before when I was much younger with a growing family.

At that time, all the scary questions flashed across my mind.

“How will I pay the bills?”

“What will we do if I cannot get another job soon?”

“Will we run out of food?”

There was tension between me and my wife. We never had to face those kinds of questions before.

The job market at that time, in our part of the country, was not good. Most of what was available were minimum-wage jobs, which I was willing to do to take care of my family.

The issue was that employers would not hire someone overqualified because as soon as the market rebounded, they would be gone.

Thankfully, there were some.

Providentially, the manager of the local FedEx station went to our church. He had an opening for a part-time relief driver.

That job came with health benefits for me and my family. Even though it was technically part-time, there was no limit to the number of hours I could work, if needed. So most weeks were close to full-time.

Interestingly, soon after I started with FedEx, that manager was transferred. Did God have him there just to meet the needs of our family at that moment in time?

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

I also did a paper route with my son, Josh, which was one of the most beneficial bonding times of our lives.

We made it

I’m reminded of an older neighbor, Faye, during our time in Tulsa, OK.

Faye had seen and experienced much in her life. When I would see her and ask how she was doing, her standard response was, “Oh, we’re a makin’ it”. Nothing seemed to phase her.

Now, when I look back at the many trials in our lives, I can truly say, “We ‘a made’ it”.

We didn’t die. We didn’t go into massive debt. We never starved or missed a mortgage payment. We learned to stretch the little savings we had way beyond what we thought was possible. We became resourceful.

And, thankfully, for the first time ever we took advantage of the unemployment benefits designed for just such a time. I had always had a negative opinion of unemployment benefits. Until I needed it, of course.

It was around that time that I began to read and listen to recordings about the role thoughts play in our circumstances.

The seeds of personal transformation began to be planted.

Granted it took years for germination and growth, but that was mainly because it was so new and it took a long time to rid myself of limiting thoughts and to understand the process.

Fast forward a decade.

The second time of unemployment was far less traumatic. I had become more aware that personal transformation is generated by our thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

This time, we had saved up a substantial emergency fund, so living expenses were not an immediate concern.

Also, I decided that while I would devote most of my time and attention to the job search, I would also pursue writing, someone I’ve always wanted to do.

During the year and a half of unemployment, I wrote 2 e-books and a personal memoir to send to the Unshackled program produced by Pacific Garden Missions in Chicago.

Unshackled would take salvation and victory stories of individuals and produce live radio dramas which would also be uploaded online for future listeners.

After much work with a scriptwriter, my story was produced in a two-part series. It simultaneously stunned and motivated me.

You can listen to Part 1 here & Part 2 here.

It was during this time that I came across a remarkable recording by Earl Nightingale entitled The Strangest Secret that had a huge impact on my life.

The whole premise is that “We become what we think about”.

Nightingale says in this recording (and book), that “the opposite of courage is not cowardice, but conformity”.

What a liberating concept. Conformity deadens the senses and relieves us of personal responsibility. We don’t need to think for ourselves. Just “go along to get along”.

Jeff Olsen, the author of The Slight Edge (not a referral link), refers to this as “The conspiracy of mediocrity”.

Cowardice is the outcome of conformity, not the lack of courage. We fear what others will think. We fear standing out. We fear failure. We even fear success.

Therefore, we conform.

A scripture that I have made one of my life verses brings this to our attention:

Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. - Romans 12:2

To have different outcomes, we have to have different inputs. Most are not willing to take the time and effort to do this.

James Allen’s book, As a Man Thinketh, has become a classic on this subject. It is relatively short and I highly recommend reading it. You may even be able to find a free e-book copy of it.

Though the principle of personal transformation may be applied to every aspect of our lives, the Bible makes it clear that without spiritual transformation, no other aspect of transformation will matter in the end.

The bottom line is this - If you want to change, you need to reprogram your mind with the thoughts/beliefs to bring about the change you seek. We’ll go into more of the process in subsequent articles.

A quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Do the thing and you shall have the power” speaks to this issue. In other words, results come from our thoughts when translated into action. Power refers to confidence & courage.

This is the thing that I learned from the trauma of the first layoff and the relative calm of the second layoff. Circumstances were relatively the same. The preparation and response are what made the difference.

My beliefs had changed, which changed my actions. We put away a substantial amount to cover the circumstances.

I had a mindset that changed my whole perspective on this situation.

All I knew was that I did not want to continue living in what I call “Comfortable Misery”.

One of the e-books I wrote, called MIDLIFE METAMORPHOSIS (off the market now), resulted from my study on the subject.

Back to the present

So, what does “living the dream” really signify?

In reality, living the dream should mean that someone is living the life they’ve always dreamed about.

More often than not, it indicates we feel trapped in a life of Comfortable Misery and fake the dream. We have all the things we need for a comfortable life, yet we feel unfulfilled, miserable, and trapped.

So we lie to ourselves and others. we pretend to be content and fulfilled when nothing could be further from the truth.

What went wrong?

Early on, we were perfectly happy to operate on auto-pilot.

Life was good.

We finished whatever education we intended to get (as if education is finite), found our life-mate, settled down into a job, and began a family.

Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?

Rip Van Winkle Syndrome

Fast forward about 20 years. Like Rip Van Winkle, we wake up from our “dream” and hardly recognize anything.

The next thing we know (generally speaking) —

• We have the standard 2.5 children, probably in college by now (with student loan debt)

• A bigger house than we need (with a maxed-out mortgage)

• Newer vehicles (with bigger payments) than necessary

• More stuff than WALMART.

• Significant credit card debt

Nine times out of ten, one or both parents are working in jobs they hate to keep up their lifestyle. Or just pay the bills.

And there always seems to be more month left at the end of the money.

How did we get here?

This wasn’t supposed to be the plan. But, something got off track quickly.

It happens more often than not.

Sadly, most couples never even have a plan. No one told or taught them that the “good life” comes with responsible planning and good habits.

The term I use is Comfortable Misery. It creeps up on you.

Surrounded by all the trappings of a comfortable life, yet miserable because of what it takes to stay there.

How does this happen? And, more importantly, what can be done about it?

Comfort Zones - The Old Blue Effect

Photo by jeff levin on Unsplash

There is a story I’ve heard a few times that illustrates how we become comfortably miserable -

Two old-timers were sitting out on the porch one hot Summer day.

The owner had an old hound named Blue who was lying beside them. Well, old Blue kept wiggling around and whining loudly.

The visitor asked, “What’s wrong with ole’ Blue?”

“He’s layin’ on a nail head”, the owner replied.

“Well, why don’t he move?”

“I recon’ it don’t hurt bad enough yet.”

Ole’ Blue had his “comfort spot” on the porch, but over the years, the nail worked its way up.

All he knew was this was his favorite spot, so he made the best of it.

When Does It Hurt Bad Enough?

We are just like Ole’ Blue. Until our current situation “hurts bad enough”, we are not motivated to change it. We hunker down in our comfort zones.

“But what if I’m ready and I don’t know how?”, you may ask. “It hurts real bad, but I’m too old and confused. Is it possible to change now?”

Millions are in this boat. Baby boomers think they are past their prime and cannot change anything now.

But, is that true? Are the middle-aged and beyond just doomed to “Comfortable Misery” for the rest of their days?

A quick answer  is  Absolutely Not.

So, what then?

Someone who really and truly wants to change can do so at any age. In a relatively short period, actually.

Learning How Is The Real Issue

Yes, I fell into the Comfortable Misery trap, too.

I didn’t know what to do, but I was desperate not to stay where I was.

So, I started studying those who changed their circumstances in significant ways. At all different ages.

I went on a mission. First to liberate myself (to be honest, the process never ends). Then to share what I’ve learned to help others create their plan of escape.

I came up with a simple formula to make sense of it all.

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T=E+A+M

T = TRANSFORMATION. We must start there. We must define what we want our life to look like.

The rest of the formula is the system that helps us design a path to get there.

E = Education

A = Action

M = Motivation

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All of these parts are interconnected and necessary to accomplish the change you desire.

In this series, the discussion will focus on what Transformation means on many levels and then go through the formula in subsequent parts.

Feel free to comment with your thoughts. Let’s have a discussion.

STAY TUNED and thanks for reading Life UnCorked. I hope you will join me each week for more.

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