Don't Stand Out, It Could Change Your Life - Confessions of a Closet Non-Conformist
Part Two of the Kicking the Conformity Can series
It’s A Lie
Last Thursday, I wrote about the lie that Living the Dream ends up being for most of us. We use it as an excuse not to talk about the confused reality of our lives.
It’s too painful. It’s a mess.
The truth is that our life at any given point in time is a direct result of how we have lived up to that point.
Life gets put on autopilot. At some point, we wake up and realize we are nowhere near where we want to be, but we don’t know how to implement a course correction.
Feeling hopelessly trapped with no escape route, our only recourse is to hunker down and make the best of it.
Sound about right?
So, let’s talk a little about how this happened.
Comfortable misery doesn’t just suddenly sneak up on us and grip us in a headlock. It is a long process of conditioning that begins very early in life.
Conformity Creep
Several years ago, I read a quote that stopped me cold. It seemed so obvious that I wondered how I’d missed it before.
Earl Nightingale, considered by many to be one of the pioneers of the modern personal success movement, wrote:
“The opposite of courage is not fear, but conformity”.
And all this time, I’ve had it wrong. Maybe you have too.
But, things are not often visible when we are part of the process. It’s the old “Can’t see the forest for the trees” argument.
Kids, regardless of background, start out in life with lots of dreams about who they want to be, what they want to do, and how they want to do it.
Relatively speaking, however, very few go on to achieve much of what they dreamed of doing.
For one primary reason . . .
Conformity
From the earliest days, our lives are influenced and molded by those in authority over us. Parents, family members, teachers, etc.
Relatively few of those early dreams are encouraged and nurtured to fruition.
Creativity is squashed with well-meaning, but misguided direction from those we trust - take a certain education and career path, get a good job, start a family, work hard, save, and retire.
Only then you can enjoy the fruits of life.
Learning Never Stops
I was thrilled to recently discover a book written by Todd Rose, founder and CEO of the Populace Think Tank, entitled Collective Illusions: Conformity, Complicity, and the Science of Why We Make Bad Decisions describing this very subject.
I heard Mr. Rose on Mike Rowe’s podcast, The Way I Heard It episode #295, We’re Still We The People. He talked about how conformity shapes our thoughts, our actions, and our way of living.
It was one of the best explanations I’ve heard of why we do what we do.
For most of us, waiting until the end of an active work life to enjoy life will be too late. Addressing how to overcome conformity before that time will be the subject of future posts in this series.
How It All Starts - A Slow Motion Trap
My own life is an example of how conformity is ingrained in most of us.
Small-town life, deep in the heart of the South Carolina Lowcountry during the 50s & 60s, was utterly predictable.
Like clockwork, the expectation was to repeat our parent’s life of conformity — Education, Career, Marriage, Family, Retirement, Replicate . . . You get the picture.
Back then, life was embodied in two hard and fast rules: “Respect authority” (anyone older than us) and “Be home before dark”.
Nothing else was needed. We all knew what was expected of us. We dared not go against the grain.
Life was good - Contentment. Security. Mayberry.
Most of my friends preferred conformity rather than embracing change. Familiarity equaled security.
Conformity Is An Addiction
Many have discovered that even when confronted early in life, the conformity mindset can take decades to overcome.
It’s a safe place.
Just like an actual addiction, there is a certain euphoria about not having to think about major life choices. Just do what has always been done.
Schools reinforce conformity through strict “one size fits all” methods of teaching.
All to produce mindless good citizens whose only job, then, was to replicate the process and perpetuate the system.
No accountability for differing personalities, creative abilities, or learning styles was considered.
While there is great benefit from developing systems of efficient personal habits and routines, individualism and creativity are frowned upon in a conformist-oriented culture.
Paradigm Shifts
Sometimes things happen in life, however, that drastically alter our perspective and direction.
Paradigm Shifts.
Some call it fate. I choose to call it Providence.
Things happen for a reason.
A few adventurous souls will respond to the Paradigm shifts of life with new insight and a desire to know more and live differently.
The rest just hunker down even further, not wanting their safe, secure boat to rock.
Paradise Lost
The first major change in my life happened in the middle of the seventh grade. Over Christmas break, Dad took a new job and our family moved from our safe, secure Mayberry-like town in the heart of the South Carolina Lowcountry to Mt. Pleasant, a small coastal village overlooking Charleston Harbor, just a few short miles from the beach.
Paradise, you would think, right?
More like Paradise Lost, actually . . .
A confused, naive, and vulnerable 13-year-old boy confronted with making new friends, adapting to a new school and environment, and embracing a new culture.
The era of rock music, Vietnam, and rapid school integration erased the only sense of normalcy I had known.
Almost overnight, Mayberry became American Graffiti.
My parents didn’t know how to respond and offered little guidance. I adapted as best I could.
A Closet Non-Conformist
While some struggled to remain in the bubble of conformity, these new circumstances sparked a desire for adventure in me.
I quickly discovered that I was a closet non-conformist.
I sensed there was more to life than I had known and certainly much more ahead than I could see.
It was time to come out.
A very practical life philosopher, Jim Rohn, said it this way,
“The winds of adversity blow on us all. How we set our sail will make all the difference.”
Let’s just say that my journey required a long course correction. But, I had at least set the sails.
Even so, it would take years to truly begin breaking free of the grip that conformity already had on my life.
As stated earlier, I do not believe in Fate. Things happen for a reason.
Later in this series, we will jump into the whole subject of transformation and how it can be achieved at any age.
I sincerely hope that you gain something useful from this series of posts on Life UnCorked.
It’s a great blessing to be doing what I love doing and I am forever grateful for your support and feedback.
Until then, my friends.